The question I grapple with is do I feel that I need a transformation or is it too late for me at the ripe old age of 72. There are things about me that I would like to see changed or feel changed. I am not a 28 year old kid, with no family responsibilities, who is writing and making money. Does it matter to me? Does what he says help me become a better story, or human beings? He has some good reflective thoughts.
What would I like to change in my life?
a. The fact that my family is in disarray --tomorrow is Mama's birthday and I find myself pulling away from most everyone to keep from facing the storm that I would have to go through to make an attempt to put it back together. Will it happen without me? No. Will it happen with me? No, probably. Did I cause the problem? Not alone, I don't know who caused it but I live with the results. I think of Daddy's famous words, "I like my people to get along". Well, what a mess we made out of that. The one thing that we have in common is a love for Mama and Daddy. That might be enough for some families who were not so strong-willed.
b. The fact that I will not drive. I should have been made to do this somewhere along the line. The "inciting event" the author talks about. But I was not and I will not and it keeps me in a state of always needing to depend upon someone else. I need the courage to forget that I am 72 and say I need to get over this. The truth is I won't drive because I have a fear of doing things by myself even if it is as simple of a thing as going to the grocery store. I do not have the confidence in my own ability to know that I can handle anything. I am very capable when I am comfortable but I will not go out of my comfort zone and I define my own comfort zone.
c. I need to heal the problems my absence has caused there. Charlie Wiles told Joan last week that I need to let all the past go and I got defensive but I need to. She points out how wrong they were in the decisions they made; but they are not the first to make mistakes and they won't be the last. I need to write, I need to get rid of the weight, I need to find out about the pain in my head and demand that the dentist take x-rays again; I need to quit worrying about whether I will have enough money in the bank; I need to find a sense of spirituality--if not in a church, then where. The idea of going to church makes me bored--I don't like what I hear anymore there and I hate the way the service has been high-jacked by the young people who want to sing in front of people instead of listen to a boring sermon.
Yes there is much I could and should change about myself and be the better for it. Can life change us, so that we can evolve from one kind of person to another? So long as we have breath, I believe God expects us to re-examine our thoughts and our motives.
I like his thought, --p. 70 "People get stuck, thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren't". What kind of person am I? Mama was using adjectives for each of her children once and she said I was "kind". I was not thrilled at the time but I would settle for that today.
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